At the beginning of this century, my marriage was struggling. I was drinking a bit too much and often found myself emotionally unbalanced. While I never became physically aggressive, I would frequently become quickly and intensely irritated or agitated over various matters. My dear wife, much gentler by nature, would sometimes watch with a shake of her head and a heavy heart.
One day, we decided to address our marital issues and my unhealthy relationship with alcohol by hiring a coach. That coach was Jaap, recommended by a colleague who credited him with overcoming his own alcohol problems. Jaap was a seasoned personal coach and therapist. The day we met is one I won't soon forget. I'm quite tall myself, but this man could barely fit under the doorframe of our front door. What a giant of a man!
During our joint sessions—alongside our individual ones—I was predominantly the one speaking. Jaap often had to interrupt me to give my then-wife a chance to speak. This had become a habit, as she was originally from Hungary and wasn't yet fully proficient in Dutch. By speaking so much, I thought I was helping her, so she wouldn't have to say as much.
At a certain point, Jaap had enough and kindly asked if he could try an experiment with me. I nodded in agreement, after which he asked me to lie on my back with my legs together and arms spread out. No sooner had I assumed this position than he forcefully sat on top of me, pressing his knees onto my arms, leaving me only able to move my legs. With a smile, he asked if I would try to escape this predicament, but no matter what I did, it was impossible to shake this giant off me.
With an even bigger, almost mischievous smile, he asked how it felt. I stammered that it felt imposing and even a bit threatening. I trusted him, I explained, but it still felt literally and figuratively oppressive.
"That's exactly what you do verbally to your wife and how she sometimes feels!" Jaap said in a friendly, instructive tone.
I was speechless.
Until that moment, I was completely unaware that I regularly subjected my then-wife to verbal abuse and how she perceived me.
Tears filled her eyes, and all I could say was... sorry.
What is Verbal Violence
Verbal abuse is a form of psychological violence where someone is consciously or unconsciously hurt or harmed through words. This can range from yelling and shouting to more subtle forms like humiliation, ridicule, ignoring, or threatening.
A frequently overlooked form of verbal abuse occurs when a highly articulate individual engages in conversation with someone who needs more time to formulate their thoughts. In discussions on sensitive topics, the less verbally adept person may quickly find themselves at a disadvantage, potentially becoming a victim of manipulation, indoctrination, and/or verbal abuse.
While verbal abuse doesn't leave visible physical injuries, it can cause significant emotional and mental harm. Consequences may include low self-esteem, insecurity, depression, anxiety, and social isolation.
It's noteworthy that, regardless of culture, religion, or upbringing, we all understand that an MMA fighter wouldn't assault an elderly man due to the obvious disparity in strength. Yet, in verbal interactions, we often disregard such differences, allowing a skilled speaker to overwhelm someone with lesser verbal abilities. This is quite peculiar.
Why are some people better with words than others?
Individuals naturally exhibit varying preferences in how they process and learn information, often referred to as learning styles—such as verbal, auditory, visual, tactile, or intuitive. While people can enhance their skills in a particular style, these preferences are generally rooted in their innate dispositions.
Several factors can influence language proficiency and communication abilities:
Upbringing: The environment in which one is raised significantly impacts language development. Parents who engage in frequent conversations, reading, and language stimulation foster a richer vocabulary and better language skills. Conversely, negative parenting styles, such as excessive criticism or perfectionism, may lead to fear of failure and a negative attitude toward language use.
Self-esteem and confidence: A positive self-image and adequate confidence are crucial for effective communication. Individuals with high self-esteem are more likely to express their opinions and are less afraid of making mistakes, which benefits their language proficiency. In contrast, low self-esteem can result in communication reluctance and hindered language development.
Perfectionism: While striving for perfection can be motivating, excessive perfectionism may lead to procrastination, fear of failure, and reduced willingness to communicate. Perfectionists might, for example, struggle with public speaking due to fear of making errors.
Social class and status: One's social background often influences language development. Individuals from higher social classes typically have access to a richer linguistic environment, enhancing their vocabulary and language skills. Conversely, those from lower social classes may have less exposure to diverse language, potentially impeding their language development.
Environmental pressure: External pressures, such as high expectations from family or colleagues, can be both motivating and inhibiting. While some thrive under pressure, others may experience stress that negatively affects their language performance.
Stage fright and shyness: Fear of speaking in front of a group can limit language proficiency. Individuals with speech anxiety may avoid situations requiring them to speak, hindering their communicative skills. Recognizing and addressing this fear is essential for overcoming it.
Stuttering: Stuttering is a speech disorder affecting fluency. It can lead to avoidance behaviors and a negative self-image. Early intervention and therapy can help mitigate the impact of stuttering on communication.
Authority and reverence: An individual's response to authority can influence communication. In cultures or environments with high reverence for authority, people may be more reserved in expressing their opinions, limiting open communication.
Vocabulary: A broad vocabulary is essential for effective communication, enabling individuals to express their thoughts more precisely and diversely. Vocabulary development is influenced by reading, conversations, and educational experiences.
Foreign languages: Learning a foreign language enriches communicative skills and provides insight into other cultures. However, it also presents challenges, such as overcoming accents, grammatical differences, and cultural nuances. Motivation and exposure are crucial for success in learning a new language.
Reluctance to set boundaries: Individuals who struggle to assert their boundaries may adopt a passive communication style, refraining from expressing their needs and opinions, which diminishes assertiveness and clarity in communication.
Admiration for others: Perceiving a conversation partner as superior can lead to insecurity and feelings of inferiority, resulting in decreased confidence during conversations and reluctance to share personal insights or opinions.
Self-effacement or feeling unimportant: Those who undervalue themselves may minimize or withhold their contributions in discussions, leading to a lack of active participation and the omission of valuable perspectives, negatively affecting communication dynamics.
Role patterns: Cultural and social role patterns can dictate who speaks and who listens in a conversation. In some cultures or families, certain members are expected to be reserved, which can limit their communicative expression and affect their language proficiency.
Belief that one's opinion doesn't matter: Feeling that one's opinion is unimportant can lead to self-censorship and avoidance of participation in discussions, reducing personal engagement and potentially hindering the development of communicative skills.
How to Prevent Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse can be recognized and addressed by both the perpetrator and the victim. Below are indicators that may suggest verbal abuse, followed by steps each party can take.
Indicators of Verbal Abuse:
Withdrawal: The individual avoids conversations, eye contact, or physical proximity.
Fear or Nervousness: Visible signs of tension, such as trembling, sweating, or a nervous demeanor.
Emotional Outbursts: Sudden crying, anger, or other intense emotions.
Behavioral Changes: The person becomes quieter, less spontaneous, or shows decreased self-confidence.
Physical Signs: Tense posture, crossed arms, or other defensive body language.
Avoidance of Topics: Certain subjects are avoided to prevent confrontation.
Excessive Apologies: The individual frequently apologizes, even without a clear reason.
Actions to Avoid Committing Verbal Abuse:
Beyond awareness, it's crucial for you, as someone who may engage in verbal abuse, to consider the purpose of your communication. Ask yourself:
Indicators of Being Verbal Abused:
What is my intention? Do I want to persuade the other person or exchange thoughts?
How do I view communication? As a competition to be won, or as a means to share my perspective?
Do I respect the other person? Am I aiming to convince them, or do I allow them their own views?
In my earlier example, I paid little attention to what my then-wife felt, thought, or wanted to say. Besides not asking the above questions, I was mainly in a hurry. There was always a 'please understand me' feeling hanging over me, as if it wasn't important to understand her.
If you frequently engage in verbal abuse, ask yourself: 'In a relationship, is it more important for me to understand or to be understood?'
Actions to Avoid Receiving Verbal Abuse:
As a recipient of verbal abuse, you have more influence than you might think. While factors like upbringing, self-esteem, and social status play a role, there are practical strategies you can apply to protect yourself and improve the situation.
Request Time: If a conversation is emotionally charged, ask if it's possible to discuss the topic later. This gives you the opportunity to organize your thoughts and allows the other person time to calm down.
Uninterrupted Speaking Time: Explicitly request the space to present your viewpoint without interruptions. This promotes mutual understanding and respect in the conversation.
Coaching and Training: Consider seeking guidance to strengthen your communication skills. With the right support, you can learn to communicate more assertively and handle verbal abuse more effectively.
It's important to realize that you are not powerless. By consciously working on your communication skills and assertiveness, you can bring about positive change in your interactions and better protect yourself against verbal abuse.
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