Do you know that feeling of being stuck? That you can only think about that one person, situation, or event and it makes you sad, angry, or a mix of both? That you wake up at night and go to bed thinking about it, making everything else in your life seem less important. It becomes hard to go out, do your work, meet friends, you have very little energy, and you might even experience heart palpitations or body tremors.
People can feel this way after a breakup, an unexpected job loss, the death of a loved one, a serious accident, a robbery, or an assault. It can feel like you're confronted with that person, situation, or event all day (and night).
It seems like there's nothing you can do, and an average doctor will quickly refer you to professional help to see if you have depression, an anxiety disorder, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In the mildest case, the doctor might give you calming medication, but this is just a temporary fix. The question is whether you need to see a specialist. In most cases, there is an alternative that essentially involves the quality of how you give meaning to things. It sounds simple, and it is, but it is often very effective.
Master of Your Own Thoughts and Emotions
Do you remember when you were a child and came home crying because a friend said something mean? Tears streaming down your face, completely upset, you were comforted with words like, "Oh sweetheart, it's okay. He probably didn't mean it that way." Of course, you didn't believe it at the time, but it was the beginning of reframing the event.
In essence, your mother—or maybe your father—was telling you not to give it so much meaning. But how do you do that? After all, what the friend said was just mean, right?
If you want to master your own thoughts and emotions, you'll need to learn that we can consciously give meaning to things. Because something we give a lot of meaning to gets a lot of priority in our minds.
The problem is that we sometimes unconsciously give a lot of meaning to things, which can bring a lot of sadness or anger. And there you are, crying like a little child, without any idea why you have such strong emotions so often. Emotions are inextricably linked to the meaning you give to things.
Not Everything Has the Same Meaning for Everyone
A bottle of water is a bottle of water, we can all agree on that when we see it. But for someone who just drank a liter of water, this bottle of water has a very different meaning than for someone who has been drifting at sea without water and bread for a week. For the latter, it means the saving of their life. Giving meaning is not about what we call something, but the meaning we give to what we call it.
Most people have experienced heartbreak. Unfortunately, I had to face it just before my fiftieth birthday. The woman with whom I had been in an on-and-off relationship for a few years wanted certainty that I would fully commit to her. All those years, she had waited lovingly and hopefully for me while I kept my distance. Until she met a new love and ended our relationship definitively. The painful part was that just weeks before that, I realized she had been the one for me all along and even started thinking about how and where I would propose to her, but I never told her. The pain was immense and the sadness just as great.
What actually happened was that a woman entered a new relationship with someone she also liked because she couldn't find security with someone who kept holding her back. It was that simple. But what caused that immense pain? The meaning I gave to the situation.
At that moment, it meant the following for me, among other things:
Losing her meant I had been stupid not to offer her security earlier and that I had taken years from someone I loved during which she could have been happy with someone else.
The meaning I gave to that was that I had been selfish and stupid not to travel with her. (She was abroad for work for a few weeks at the time and had asked if I wanted to come with her).
The fact that she now had someone else meant to me that I might never find someone with her love, energy, and qualities again, and the meaning I gave to that was that I would be alone night after night.
All these meanings—and more—I created in my head and they have nothing to do with reality. I labeled myself as stupid and assumed she could have been happy with someone else all those years. But I'm not stupid at all, and I don't know if she would have been happy with someone else during those years.
People Are Free to Give Different Meanings
I can also give it a different meaning. For example, we learned a lot from each other during those years, that by being with me, she was precisely in that place abroad where she met the person who could and will give her everything she needed. I was not stupid for not traveling with her because then she would not have started a relationship with that person. And with about 1 billion women in the age group I fall into, it's very unlikely that I'll ever find someone again.
How You Give Meaning Changes Your Perspective on the Situation
Cognitive distortions play a major role in giving meaning. Cognitive distortions are thinking errors or irrational thoughts that can distort our perspective of reality. These distortions can make things seem very important or out of proportion.
I thought I was stupid, but if I had, for example, exaggerated and catastrophizing as cognitive distortions, I would have thought I was an incredible jerk. Instead of being a selfish person, I would have seen myself as a monster, and instead of maybe never finding a woman again, I would have told myself it would now be impossible to ever be with someone again and that my days would be hell from now on.
These cognitive distortions can include:
Black-and-white thinking: Seeing things in extremes, with no middle ground. For example: "If I couldn't make her happy, I'm a complete failure."
Overgeneralization: Drawing general conclusions based on a single event. For example: "Because this relationship failed, all future relationships will fail too."
Mind reading: Assuming you know what others are thinking without evidence. For example: "She must think I'm a terrible person."
Catastrophizing: Expecting the worst possible scenario. For example: "I will always be alone and never be happy again."
Personalization: Blaming yourself for events beyond your control. For example: "It's all my fault that she found someone else."
By becoming aware of these cognitive distortions and the meanings you give to situations, you can change your perspective on the situation. This helps to reduce negative emotions and maintain a more balanced and realistic perspective. Changing your thoughts can directly affect how you feel and how you respond to situations in your life.
What You Can Do to Reduce Your Emotions
A coach can help you thoroughly analyze the meanings you give and how cognitive distortions, among other things, influence this. But if you feel stuck, you can make a lot of progress on your own with a little bit of love and patience.
Write down exactly what happened and what is going on that occupies your mind so much. When you're done, prioritize the topics from most important to least important. Then write down what that means to you, and if possible, write down what that means to you again.
When you're done, try giving new, more positive meanings to the situation or person and feel how your feelings slowly shift.
Exercise: Steps to Change Your Perspective on the Situation
Describe the situation: Write down in detail what happened and what is going on now. Try to be as objective as possible without immediately judging.
Prioritize the topics: Rank the different aspects of the situation based on importance. This helps to get an overview and organize your thoughts.
Analyze the meanings: Write down what each aspect of the situation means to you. Think about how you formed these meanings and which cognitive distortions may play a role.
Rewrite the meanings: Think of new, more positive meanings for the situation or person. Ask yourself if there are other ways to look at the same event.
Feel the shift: Take the time to feel how these new meanings change your emotions. Notice if your feelings of sadness or anger begin to diminish and make way for a more balanced and positive perspective.
By following these steps, you can slowly change your perspective on the situation and help yourself move forward, even without the direct help of a coach. It is a process that takes time and practice, but it can be a powerful way to balance your thoughts and emotions.
You Can't Get Rid of Something Without an Alternative
Besides the fact that various other factors can play a role, the above exercise is just a step in the right direction to stop letting your life be controlled by your thoughts and emotions. You need an alternative to get rid of something.
Some people suddenly quit smoking and think it's just willpower. In practice, it turns out they made something other than smoking—consciously or unconsciously—important. For example, saving money, having fresh-smelling clothes, living longer and healthier, better fitness, or never stressing about whether you have another cigarette at home. You always need an alternative to get rid of something.
The question you can ask yourself is which things in your life truly deserve your attention and what they mean to you. You can approach this in the same way as the previous exercise.
Exercise: What Deserves Your True Attention?
Describe what is important: Write down in detail which things in your life truly deserve your attention. These can be relationships, work, health, friends, family, hobbies, or other important aspects.
Prioritize the topics: Rank the different aspects of your life based on importance. This helps to get an overview and organize your thoughts.
Analyze the meanings: Write down what each aspect means to you in a positive way.
Feel the shift: Take the time to feel how these new meanings change your emotions. Notice if your feelings of uncertainty or stress begin to diminish and make way for a more balanced and positive perspective.
More Balance Through the Meaning You Give to Things
During my heartbreak, I could hardly get any work done, I didn't coach, I didn't write articles, I barely talked to my colleagues, I didn't exercise, and I saw few to no friends. Yet these are all things that are very important to me.
By realizing how important these things were and are to me, I could see the influence of the meaning I gave to the breakup. I could ask myself whether I wanted to allow the happiness of someone I loved to keep me from doing the things that also matter. Of course, the answer was no. A very resolute no, in fact. That gave me the strength to refuse to let my thoughts and emotions take over and to fully embrace ownership of my thoughts and emotions. It gave me the strength to give healthy meanings to the breakup so that I could fully engage in what else matters in my life.
Does that mean I never, even now, have to shed a tear about the breakup? No, I still shed a tear regularly. Sometimes out of joy for her and sometimes out of a sense of loss, but one thing is certain: I have the emotion at that moment, and the emotion no longer has me. Simply by consciously giving healthy, positive meanings.
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