Life gives you gifts every day, but unfortunately, you won’t be happy with every gift. Are you someone who quickly bounces back from setbacks, or do you prefer to give up and complain about how hard you have it?
My experience is that setbacks are not setbacks by themselves, but that we make them into setbacks. It may feel like a punch in the face, but if you get back up quickly, you will discover that every setback can work in your favor. Or, as Muhammad Ali might have said:
You don’t lose if you get knocked down, you lose if you stay down.
How can setbacks be positive?
Almost always, something good comes from a setback, although it can be difficult to see it at the moment. This has more to do with our expectations than with the event itself. Let me give you an example.
On December 30, 2022, I decided to fly to my favorite vacation island, Koh Chang in Thailand, to celebrate New Year's Eve there. The idea was that three days later, my good friend and personal trainer would join me, and we would then have six weeks of intensive training. Six days a week, I train twice a day, eat healthily, and in between swimming, playing beach tennis, and more. A complete reset, as I had done with him before.
Mentally, I had prepared myself for three weeks and knew what to expect. It would be tough, but I was sure that after those six weeks, I would feel great again.
I arrived at my hotel around 5 PM and hadn't been on the island for three years. From the lobby, I could see the spot where I had slipped three years ago and broken my ankle. A three-month work vacation was abruptly cut short after seven days, and that was the last time I had been in Thailand due to COVID-19 travel restrictions. I checked in and, before even putting my suitcase in the room, I hurried to the nearby beach to watch the sunset of that day. For me, that is the most beautiful moment of the day. A reddening sun setting behind a few uninhabited islands is magnificent every day.
I walked towards the beach with my backpack and could already smell the sea. Wonderful. Once on the terrace, I kicked off my flip-flops and took a small jump of less than 70 centimeters from the terrace onto the sand and heard a loud 'CRACK!' Pain shot through my ankle, and in disbelief, I plopped down on my buttocks, watching my ankle swell. The same ankle I had broken three years earlier. Seriously? Could I have broken the same ankle again?
The next day, a visit to the local hospital confirmed it. I had indeed broken my ankle again and in the exact same spot. Disappointed, I called my friend and told him it wouldn't be a sports vacation or swimming, but a few weeks with my leg elevated and rest. I had looked forward to it so much, but alas.
Sitting with my leg elevated, I decided to do something I otherwise never had time for. I had a book I wanted to write. A book about doing good and benefiting from it yourself. What better moment to do the research for it and start writing than when you can do nothing but sit? What a gift from life! Maybe something different than what I initially looked forward to, but certainly something I wouldn't have had the energy for alongside intense training. So, thanks to a small jump, my initial dream was shattered, but less than five months later, my second book was on the shelf.
What is the difference between bad luck and setbacks?
Bad luck is when you experience a sequence of events with a small likelihood of occurring, let alone happening consecutively. Think of unlikely situations that coincidentally come together.
Setbacks occur when you want something to happen or not happen, but the opposite happens beyond your control. It is more related to your expectations and goals that are frustrated by circumstances beyond your control.
But in both cases, it says something about your expectations if you get frustrated by them. You cannot mold life the way you want it. I recently spoke to a woman who lost all her savings because her ex-boyfriend, without her knowledge, had set up an illegal cannabis plantation and was caught by the police. Money gone and boyfriend gone. Is that bad luck, a setback, or a blessing? Imagine having to live with such a person for another fifty years without knowing it. It would be worth more to me than all that savings to not have to deal with that person any longer.
Can you turn all bad luck and setbacks into something positive?
It’s not about turning the event that you qualify as a setback or bad luck into something positive, but about learning to appreciate the consequences and results that come from bad luck and adversity.
I have experienced various setbacks or moments of bad luck from which I still don’t know what they have positively brought me, but from most so-called ‘negative’ experiences, I do. I was robbed of millions by my best childhood friend and only then could I truly enjoy money and life instead of trying to buy happiness.
I didn’t know exactly what forgiveness was, but through ‘the robbery,’ I learned it.
One day, I was forced to sell my beloved house against my will. Because I had to leave, I learned that you can be equally happy - or unhappy - anywhere in the world and that a house has nothing to do with it. A few months later, I lived in an even nicer, more beautiful, more spacious, and better house.
My ex left me, and despite literally having a stomach ache from it, I could later see how she had misled me for so long and how fake she was and acted. I didn’t want to see it because of infatuation. In hindsight, I’d rather be single than be with - as sweet as she is - her for one more day with how she was then. I don’t know how she is now, as we haven’t been in contact for a while.
How to Learn from Setbacks
An important aspect to emphasize is that resilience and the ability to learn from setbacks are crucial for personal growth. When faced with bad luck or setbacks, ask yourself, "What can I learn from this?" This helps redefine situations and extract valuable lessons, even if the experience is painful at the moment. Setbacks often offer unexpected insights that you otherwise would never have gained. They can help you reassess your priorities, develop new skills, or discover hidden talents.
For example, consider losing a job. Initially, this seems like a disaster, especially if you rely on your income. But this situation can force you to think about what you really want to do with your life. Maybe you discover a passion for a completely different field, decide to start your own business, or go back to school to deepen your knowledge. What initially seemed like a great loss can ultimately open the door to a much more fulfilling career.
On a personal level, setbacks such as a broken relationship can also teach you valuable lessons. It can force you to look at yourself and understand what you really need in a partner. This can lead to better self-knowledge and ultimately to healthier and more fulfilling relationships in the future. Moreover, you learn to become more independent and stronger because you had to navigate through emotional pain and disappointment.
The ability to reflect on negative events and extract something positive from them not only strengthens your character but also makes you better prepared for future challenges. By viewing setbacks as opportunities for growth and development, you shift your mindset from victim to active participant in your own life story. It is this shift in perspective that makes it possible not only to survive but also to thrive despite the obstacles that come your way.
Furthermore, it is important to recognize that learning from setbacks does not always happen immediately. Sometimes it takes time and distance to see the positive sides of a negative experience. The process of reflection and self-discovery is often a slow but ultimately rewarding journey. By being patient with yourself and open to the lessons life offers you, you can turn every setback into a source of personal growth and strength.
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